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[08 Nov 2012|08:20pm]
Perspective. It's really all that counts.
Skipped a meeting but I guess, really just needed to write in this.
Right off the rip realized, sink or swim. The cards of life sometimes are shit but I deal. Sometimes, I do feel lonely altho I have choose this life that I life, currently by myself by choice. No sulk, a simple pick me up. unfortunately, Ive come to a point where I need to roll up my sleeves. do work.

[29 Oct 2012|05:51pm]
The tought makes my stomach turn, no help due to the current sickness I carry. I often wonder why I indever down the roads that I do. Being I know no control, nor will I ever. The hands of time are the answers to destinys questions. Force it untill you get blue in the face, a smidge like that mental masturbation but there's no orgasm but a chaffed dick. I know there's sayings to be implied but I think above stated will stick, in the dumb.

[11 Aug 2012|11:03pm]
ha! as it seems, when I post here, it's usually the end. a token of my life, a savor in a sense. Not many will truly understand the state of the matter, nor I for that matter. Semi lost, I guess It's to the right ration in the mixture, strong hand, white knuckle. Assumption, can't live off it. Everything is currently out of my hands, hard to abandon something with strong emotion. It's just not part of my character I guess, Difficult resides with in the transformation but here is a testament of understanding. They say pain is with the resistance, which I couldn't agree more. Not at the point of let go and let god but along the same lines. So, I guess. . . I am batting down the hatches as well.

hmm random messages? [04 Aug 2006|01:21pm]
Subject line : YOU!
Had it all, the you let it slip thought your finger tips.
Tell how does it feel to know that you, and only you are the destector in you life?
You will never have the right to blame any one for the mess that you call "life".
You will no never be able to forget these words and you will often wonder .. who I am ? how did I know? and why I would say these things to you ..
Oh my dear boy in time what I know now will one day be your salvation.

I've never really have "had it all". No time in my life I have had it all. Although I've let a few opportunities in life slip through my finger tips but reflection on such does nothing for today. If you meant dissector then, yes I am well aware of that. To blame others because of your lifes so called "mistakes" or wrong turns is completely childish and something I don't part take in. Wonder who? yes considering it's pretty ridiculous your vague words that could be applied to anything or anyone for that matter.
Salvation? hmmm is this the calling? Will I become a bible banger? Are these words from jeebus? Questions that wont be answered. ha

Random anonymous journal comments, wooo!

good day mysterious person. :-D
1 thrown || throwdown

[21 Mar 2006|02:22pm]
Well, thankx for being honest with me even though you said these people hated me. Which is fine because people have all the right in the world but it still sucks to know. I always felt like shit when I would look on my myspace and find that most of those people on there weren't my friends. It makes me feel like shit that I have none and I am such a horrible person. I deleted them though. I guess I am worthless in alot of senses, it's awesome to know that you've met awesome people through me and continue to be friends with them and its completely different on my part. I know I can be an asshole, I know we had alot of conflict but I find it truely amazing how everything was always placed on me because I have a dick. It's a wondeful feeling, wonderful I tell you..
5 thrown || throwdown

[08 Mar 2006|06:13pm]
I always have thought if you were to converse with someone you keep it to each other. Well that is how I was brought up. Too many loosed lipped mother fuckers in this world as we know it. I know this is online but when I tell someone one thing it shouldn't be passed around like a fucking hot potato. I dont have regret for my actions, that isn't the reason I am pissed. I just think people would have a little more respect then to run their mouths to others that shouldn't know shit. It's really fucking sad when a friend hears about some shit that went down in my life before I got the chance to tell him. thanks alot cock suckers.

If your info was obtained from this journal, you have alot of fucking nerv to speak of me. Why dont you fucking look at all the good I am doing, Why dont you fucking pass a good positive note unstead of a negitive. I am here trying to turn my life upside down and make things right and people have to go fucking run their mouths. I guess my preception on the word and people will never fucking change to ignorant fucking people like the one or two of you. oh thats fucking right, you have no fucking life and you wanna be in everyone elses. I should have figured that one out.

This is my own personal way of expressing myself, for myself. With out this fucking journal I would not be where I am today, I would not feel how I feel. If you think you have the right to pass words on to others, you got something wrong there.
4 thrown || throwdown

[07 Mar 2006|11:30am]
I was there lost and confused. wondering the port area, the city scape was philladelphia. What brought me there I don't know. I was lost and trying to find something, so I made a phone call to a friend to find a place to stay a few nights at. He gave me directions on where to go yet I still wonder in a confused state. I meet up with some girl who he knew and her boyfriend. They were were mildly arguing, I knew deep inside that fresh love wouldn't have a chance if he didn't learn to tip toe and know his boundaries. For some reason, I knew the girl although I've never met her.

Then I awoke...

I thought I would sleep because I started to get tired when I was reading. My lids felt like they had 10lb weight attached and I started to have blurred vision as they started to cross one an other. I tried to resist but the need was to great.
2 thrown || throwdown

[04 Mar 2006|10:02am]
Yesturday actually went pretty damn well considering at first I didnt even want to go get tattooed. I got a few hours worked on my wrist my TNT is pretty much comeplete which is pretty important to me. I was very tired while I was at the shop, I planned on going to sleep when I get home but ended up staying up going to dinner with my parents and then going to visit my grandparents who are in the hospital. My grandfather is getting out of ICU as soon as they find a bed and my grandmother is getting out of the hospital all together so things are looking up. I came home and found some enjoyment talking to someone I have't talked to in a grip. Although the conversation wasn't in detail about current times and emotions, I recieved a bit from it. Graffiti jam today? I think I may go down and see whats up with that. I got dinner with the fams for my mother birthday too later. I need to get ahold of fucking robbie and make him sell me his truck, but I dont have his number and I have been putting it off sorta.

Each day is for myself, growth will come with each day. although the pain still resides.
2 thrown || throwdown

[04 Mar 2006|09:47am]
You know what, you cant focus on such things. I don't know if your friend had informed you but if you get some time check out jordan's page and the new estranged guy. I am going though the same shit. Although I am not letting myself get crazy. I completely cut myself off from her down to blocking her on aim. Although after reading your bulletin I did feel the need to go check her myspace out. It's a damn shame that people can move on so quickly. These people are different species then we are. They tend to run and and fall into someones arms to fill the void in their heart and forget the pain. We can't let the choices of others scold us as people. We need to take that this to use it as strength to put one foot in front of the other, if you dont take it like that you will be sucked into that black hole. To only make the mind state deteriorate and the days even harder. I personally have tried to do the same in the past yet to find myself, just filling a void. It didn't last either, just short enough to forget about myself, just long enough to ease the pain. When in such battles one cannot forget about one self.
It my be words of encouragement, it may not. take it as you like

Some words to a friend, that I can reflect on myself.
1 thrown || throwdown

[03 Mar 2006|08:24am]
I was going to write a journal post but I have lost all thought. 2 seconds ago I just found on a friend of mine who has been out on the run with a very heavy drug and alcohol problem just has been arressted for robbery, and is suspected for another one here in naugatuck. I thought I would sleep better if I stayed up later, all I find is myself is tired, tired of trying to sleep decent.

when it rains, it pours! [02 Mar 2006|04:42pm]
When you would think I would have enough shit on my platter. Now I have two grandparents in the hospital being treated for ammonia. It's bad enough my grandfather was been in ICU since saturday morning. Lines in the nose for nutrition lines in the veins and wires connected to electronic boxes. WHAT THE FUCK SERIOUSLY. I'm already in fucking pieces, what is next I am going to burry one of my grandparents. Thankfully my grandmother isn't in as bad of shape as my grandfather although just knowing all this it really fucking sucks. I understand people get old their heath tends to fade and they depart. Why does this all have to happen to me now.................................................

[02 Mar 2006|08:40am]
I am being very indecisive today. Last night I was asked if I wanted to baby sit my niece who is 3 and my nephew who is 6. I have never really babysat for them ever. Due to current situations in my life it really held me back from saying yes. So this morning I abruptly awoke at 6:30 in the morning thankx to some shitty nightmares. Turns out my Mom was going to take the day off and watch my sisters kids, so I figured I would go up there. The time rolled around to leave and I had some motivation to leave this house. When I finally got to my sisters home, I felt out of place and very uncomfortabel. I've always said theres something special about kids, no matter how mad or sad you can be they will put a smile on your face. That isn't why I was going there, I can say it was nice to see them for the brief time but I just wasn't feeling it. To sit here and question my reasons for leaving, I just sit here puzzled. I know I have the opportunity to speak with jordan today although I did leave her a message that said.

I am not going to be around for most of the day. I would really enjoy talking to you today but I think its not the best thing for me. Maybe you might agree.. Although I must say it's very hard not to.. I will be at my sisters house if you care to know and I might check my online time to time. So feel free to contact me in any fashion you care to.

Well, is it the weather is it the fact that all I wanna do right now is sleep. I felt like I was like a black cloud walking into that house as it is. Who knows? not me for sure. I think I must go to sleep now. good night.

[01 Mar 2006|12:31pm]
I wish I had a book to read....

the more I talk, the better I feel. [01 Mar 2006|10:46am]
I just came back from Jen's place up in Pittsfield, MA. I am thankful for someone like her to be around in such time of need. Someone who could understand where I am coming from in some manner. She even went out of her way to pick me up. The talks we had a great impact on how I feel today, how I felt last night. At first being there, any where other then home makes me feel un comfortable. After a little while I got used to being out and now that I am back I feel great that I went. Even last minute I was thinking of telling her not to come. I could've always stayed home although talking to people through online isn't enough somtimes. I am feeling pretty damn good though. I actually have some kinda plan together in my head but I will leave it to myself just in case it isn't executed. With the combination of words spit to others and some to me by people. Also the little bit jordan has spoke to me, things are looking better. For now atleast and I will take that day by day, even if I have to minute by minute.

I got to speak about just situations between mine and her life. As I look at things shit was getting very chaotic in both of our lives. Between the move, my grandfather, me being worn to the bone from work, things in her life and also the stress of missing the fuck out of each other. Even though it was only 5 days away before I was suppose to leave this state. It's still stressful, very stressful. I sit and think of the things I could possibly do for myself and I have come up with a few thankx to speaking with Jen. As soon as I get the ball rolling maybe some more will come. I never thought I would be capable of doing this but I must admit I wouldn't be moving so quickly if there wasnt a certain someone behind me. I know she says do things for myself, yet I am. A bit of encouragement does help sometimes.

I am very proud of you and your choices of things to do for yourself. I know we've definitely put each other on the back burner for one or an other, maybe more for one person then the other. I am very happy to see you look brightly upon the future, more so when you mentioned school. You know how I have always thought about that and I sorta place some kinda blame for you dropping out. You're a very bright intelligent girl and I have learned so much from you I couldn't even begin to explain. I would sit back through out the years and listen to you talk about certain things you would like to accomplish and what you would like to do in the future. I just wanna say that you do have it in you. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. You take much pride in what you do, pride in your work weather be school or a job or even writing a journal entry. Pride equals excellence. I wish you the best of luck in your job search as well. I know its hard for you to swallow your pride to work a retail job but you sure wont have the daily stress of knowing you HAVE to work, you're doing this for yourself and you can find great benefit from it.
I will continue to miss you the same, and love you even more. All the emotions that have been spilled and tears that have been cried to the sleepless nights, everything. All I can get from this is so much more love for you. I never thought I would be able to seek some kinda of happiness after that day. Thank you for the inspiration jordan. I love you with all my heart and then some. Maybe my butt cheeks? Do me a favor sometime. Take the time to think of something that will make you laugh or smile. Like my hairy butt cheeks that you love oh so much. I hope you didn't find that out of line..
1 thrown || throwdown

[01 Mar 2006|06:39am]
you know I always thoughts I was good enough to produce a smile on someone elses face.

I guess I am not worthy of this anymore, I feel like I am worthless. I got very few things in my life right now, which none of them I want. A place to stay, which I don't want to be an I was stuck at for months, I even held jordan hostage. Now I have now here to go, even if I did I wouldn't know what to do with myself. A job, a job I could careless about I never liked my current job, I loved money and the goals I was working towards. I understand the value of a dollar, I understand working to survive. I've yet to find any goals, im completely lost in what do to in this world. More or less, I dont know if I wanna shit or get off the pot. This is the first time in my life I've never known what I 100% truely want to do. Reno has never been in discontent with so many things either.

Alot of weight was lifted off my shoulders with a 5 mins from your time and a simple e-mail. I'm over joyed to hear you are well and you are doing good for yourself. I just hope that doing good doesnt make me more non exisitant. My worries have been lifted simpily because sometimes I dont even need to be blunt, yet someone out there knows, someone understand exactly what I am saying. Thank you, for clearing that up. I'm counting the days from my selfish attempt to depart. It's sure been rough since that cold hard day. I've never got the chance to thank you for what you did to me that day. Between making contact with loved ones and myself. The contact was a touch, a touch to the heart in more ways then one. Negitive or positive, depending on the mind state. Just because it's negitive doesnt mean I hate you or anything that would be directly connected to yourself. I have nothing but love and always will. deep down inside look at all that love and understand my fear and concern that goes out. I know some of my actions might have been out of line although I needed to know. Once again alot of weight was also lifted when the silence was broken with a simple picture comment post accepence. It definately brought light to this spartically eciplised world I now live in.

I am listening to you for myself and your person. I do respect your wishes but sometimes its very very hard. espieacly when I didn't know the state of mind. I promise you that I am not living my life by a bottle because I could'nt let myself down like that. I have no desire to put myself in a hole and drown my problems in alcohol. Come out, Come out, where ever you are? You can't hide for ever and sometimes you have to face reality. So me with booze, I definately loose. If that is uplifting for yourself, I mean that with all my heart. I know better, although that day I was looking for courage when I had none. the day turned to night and a few days followed I can see light but it's off in the distance, I try so hard but sometimes I look south to the darkness. please understand..

a very wishy washy post, my text has multible feelings

over sleeping [28 Feb 2006|08:50am]
I sleep to dream, I dream to escape in that un conscience state reality is smothered in lies as as fictional crossed the boundaries of non fictional, it's almost believable. to converse with someone with false replies as I escape reality and drift off and away from abyss. to awake and question myself, why does it have to be like this.

when pasts interfer with the present [28 Feb 2006|04:39am]
If it's space you need, fine. I already told you that. Although due to the past I have concerns. Personally and in personal in times like this I've seen reckless behavior, unnecessary reckless behavior. no matter how far you run or what you may use to push the hurt away, it will still be there. When someone has as much love for another human being the care and concern is a bit overwhelming, I know you are a big girl, I am a big boy to I always said but that has never made me invisible, we all have weaknesses. They've been but out right past and future. If I was to say this is easy, it would be a lie. If I was to say I dont cry and miss you, that is a lie. The simplicity of something can mean so much, as to taking a bath and the memory of you filling me a bubble bath, you letting me know I will be alright. I guess I am suppose to learn, which I could use some self reliance, although I dont need to be put through a little more then I need to be put through. When, I am nursing myself, and my fucked up ankle, I feel helpless. I made it through the day though, not with out some thought of you though. The pain will reside in my heart for a many years to come. It isn't only just not having you it's not having the dreams I was trying to fufill in the last couple of years. I worry, I worry about the choices that you make also the ones I make for myself. Ol' bad habits are like skeletons in the closet, I just hope they don't get dusted off.

"I've got wild staring eyes.
And I've got a strong urge to fly.
But I got nowhere to fly to.
Ooooh, Babe when I pick up the phone

"Surprise, surprise, surprise..."

There's still nobody home."

OUT OF WORK [27 Feb 2006|10:26pm]
Out of work, out of commission. Hopefully tomarrow it will actually heal, but I'm not so sure about that. Today actually went fairly well. Untill about 11:30 when I rolled my ankle at work. I continued to work all day because there was no way I would be able to come home considering where the job was. Almost in MA, a rolled ankle and me walking on an 8-12 pitch roof. So no I am pretty much stuck with a hobble and a limp. I did last all day with out a monster, which is very good considering of what got accomplished with the due situations. I figure it would be good to detox myself off that shit, maybe try and get some vitamin supplements in the future.

"My little slice of heaven"
my taste of california, I know that this company isn't based out of Cali although it has grand memories and was only brought to my attention by a certain special someone while my first time to Cali. I was at a starbucks, which is rare and only because the guys at work went there for coffee and it was right next to the job site. I really water a berry white jones juice, but I settled for a black cherry soda which was sugar free. It's funny how you can enjoy something so simple. It was a definite must have item.

[27 Feb 2006|06:23am]
It's a bit hard to get up and go this morning and I am not talking about being sleepy. It will be the first day and I don't think the last. I feel as if there's weight in my back belly and my mind. Hopefully I can still complete my work day today. I'm trying my best yet I can't help to think about certain things. I better saddle up..
1st day with out Monster, lets see how I do.

[08 Feb 2006|06:25pm]
as I look at my beaten in battered hands, I see the bones protruding. Cut me down the middle, clone me because that is what I am, two. Beat the shit with dreams of gold. The actions seem useless when a few words steal the drive, Sometimes it seems easier to fold.
look from the other side maybe you can find the positive jumbled all up in this negativity.

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